We have heard this a gazillion times, "Excess of everything is bad". According to me, too much kindness is way more destructive than being extremely rude or egoist as the former has a burden of GUILT along with it. The guilt of being kind, available to others all the time, and always ready to make others happy at the expense of your own self.
Pleasing others for any reason is something really not called for. You are not only losing your own self into it but also letting others take advantage of that which ultimately ends up getting you used and abused. As a result, its impact is so sickening that it may turn out to be a DISEASE TO PLEASE.
It's a matter of fact that this trait is not something people are born with. It's definitely something which one imbibes as he moves on in his journey of life.
So below are some points which I think contribute to this trait of People-Pleasing:
- CHILDHOOD ENVIRONMENT: It is very commonly seen in people-pleaser that this trait stems in their childhood itself. The major cause of it lies in the type of environment one experiences during the growing years. A child who was never asked about his opinions and not even involved in family decisions. Also not allowed to make choices about matters pertaining to his life as well. Such a child becomes regressive and starts pleasing others as he grows up in order to seek validations.
- INFERIORITY COMPLEX: This trait is also not so uncommon in ones who have a certain kind of inferiority complex and insecurities in life. Due to this they unconsciously build a people-pleasing approach in their lives.
- PEOPLE'S NEGLECTANCE: A person who is constantly being neglected by others for any reason, feels dejected and in order to fit into the circle or group of people, he starts pleasing others.
- CONSTANT DISAPPROVALS: One who constantly gets disapprovals by his near and dear ones and also by people in his workplace and society, kind of loses his self-confidence and then chooses to please people and get work done as he considers himself no more worthy of doing things.
- FAILURES: Frequent failures in life make a person very low in self-esteem and limited sense of self-sufficiency which ultimately makes it very difficult for him to gather the shattered pieces of his confidence. Consequently, he prefers not engaging himself to further risks involved in initiating new projects and be a part of people- pleasers and get things to fall into place.
- THE 'LOVE-SEEKERS': One who is deprived of love or who has always been in a quest of love is also the one who eventually becomes a people-pleaser as he finds this way of fetching love from others in order to feel wanted and loved by others.
- 'IMAGE-CONSCIOUS' ONES: Ones who are really worried about what people would think of them and how they appear in ones' eyes are very much prone to people-pleasing.
- BY CHOICE: And there are many people out there who choose to be people-pleasers by their choice so as to be in good books of others and hereby lead a life which is people dependent and just for the attainment of the selfish purpose.
So how will you judge whether a person is a People-Pleaser or not??
- Throughout your day, one feels like running a marathon as he is putting a constant effort to please people around him.
- One feels totally exhausted at the end of the day as he is up to something his mind telling him to do but his heart not willing to execute.
- Always anxious about putting his right put forward so that he should not displease others.
- Overlook his personal needs and tune into the moulded version of oneself to make others happy.
- Not able to say 'NO' and go out of the way to do things for others even if it is discomforting or hard to do so.
- Constantly at others' service even if there's nobody in your hours of need.
- Having GUILT TRIPS as you are always available for others while there is no one when you need it.
- Having frustrations as you are not able to think for yourself in the process of pleasing others and also not able to put your opinions or viewpoints in public.
- And the most important part is that people start taking you GRANTED and your people-pleasing behaviour makes it a practice for others to consider you always available for them. And thus, even a slightest of adamancy or disagreement by you, make them offended and rude to you.
It is a time to overcome it, let me tell you how!
- First and foremost make your children part of your decisions in or outside the family. Give them the situations in which they flourish by making different life choices. Give them the environment at home in which they feel free to raise their opinions and thereby making them feel an important and essential part of the family well being. This way they won't ever need to please others for seeking others' validations.
- Never conclude or assume yourself inferior or superior to anyone by getting defeat or victory over others respectively. You are your own kind and everyone has his own unique talents. Just a matter of right discovery and right execution at the right time.
- If you know your worth, you don't need others' validations, approvals or certifications. Believe in yourself and never please others' to seek their appreciations.
- Failures are a significant part of the lives, as successes so never let yourself down just because you faced failures. Do not lose your confidence.
- Stop bothering about people neglecting or demeaning you, as long as you are doing what is expected of you in any section of your life, keep working hard and hold your values high.
- As you seek love, true love would too seek you. Cherish the love of your loved and closed ones because if you need to please someone for getting their love, trust me, it's not worth it at all.
- Learn to speak 'NO'. If you don't feel comfortable or willing to do anything, refuse it as politely as you can and without any guilt of hurting anyone. Be kind and not rude but agree to only those things your mind and heart giving permission too and not to please anyone.
- Stop worrying about your image in others' eyes. You don't really have to be self or image-conscious as long as your conscious is clear about the way you have been in your life.
- And for those who do it as per their choice or a mode of flattery, I HAVE NO COMMENTS. If that's what your self-respect allows you, then it's simply your choice and way of leading your life.
So guys! just don't try to resonate with each one's frequency, you cannot do that else the chords will break. Certainly, we can't shift any person's verdict for ourselves in one way or the other. Either we are liked by others or not, there is nothing in between as far as associations are concerned. So realise it and be determined to give others their due respect, love and importance but never to please them.
Stop being the sufferer of this DISEASE TO PLEASE........
